poe wannabe.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012, 2/08/2012 06:03:00 PM

It seems like ages i did a proper entry.
New year had passed and so my physical training phase with the National Service.
It happened so fast, really fast. 6 months end quickly then i expected and when the date was getting nearer, i dreaded the part of parting with my new found friends and whom i so called named them as my 'family'. It was not easy living with all the same gender in a roof or a barrack if you must say so. Living with them was quite hard then expected but i certainly managed to pull through. It was not hard nor it was easy for all of us. The training may not have been like the others but adapting to a whole new life and was being controlled and planned by others definitely was not easy. For what it was, it was my best experience so far. I teared up while parting some of my bunk mates, it was not easy, to have build such a strong and rapid relation and mutual understanding between one is hard to let go. Ns31, it was the best and still the best. We broke the record.

Well, that is somehow part of my summary?
Definition of a family? I can easily ask Simsimi and it can reply me with all the wonderful and meaningful reply but what does that exactly means? If you have to ask, Simsimi is a applications for android phone and apparently everyone is crazy talking to this robot. It is designed to reply to words,phrases that is familiar. Everything is programmed and so are we.
More than often, i would ask myself if im am going too far with my actions and replies and i hate myself for that. But deep within myself i am found with another dilemma which triggers the past.
A son wish was for his dad to be there for him, just like how his dad is there for his other siblings.
Apparently that did not happened.
No matter how much i hope it gets better, it does not. What are family for when others keep pointing out your mistakes when you are merely stating a fact?
Listening to one side of the story and judge them has been a part of this so called family.
Financially, i am unstable, very unstable, i make use of what i have.
I do not have any luxurious treatments like how my others siblings received.
But it is okay, i do not blame anyone.
All i needed was for you to be there for me, to be proud of me for once.
To be there looking at me, the changes that i went through.
But no, you gave me hopes and yet you crushed it.
Later did i realised that i abandoned my very own feelings because of this very person, hence the retaliation began and so did the silent game.

But who gives a fuck anyway?
I need to pull myself and continue living cos no one is waiting for me. This world is cruel, cos at the very end of the day you need to continue walking but again i do not blame the world.

I do not get to spend much but that is okay. The one who wait will be rewarded.
And all i need is my mom,you and HIM blessing.
And so it is the quick story of how it goes.
Just remember this, if you are hurt then i am too.
If you cried, then i did too.